How do people do it?

Growing up....I'm pretty sure my mom didn't play with me.  I mean, she wasn't some evil woman who banished me to my room but we were pretty self-sufficient growing up.  We didn't have game nights or special movie nights.  We had dinner together every night and then went our own way after.  So when I look at the times I feel guilty about not spending a lot of time with Izzy because of LIFE, I wonder if I'm just trying to keep up with the Jones' or if I really DO suck as a mom.

Isabelle and I were a work unit for 5 years.  We did things together because we were all we had.  It was easier that way.  For the past 4 years, we've tried to change that but she's still has that ME against THEM mentality.  She doesn't like to do things by herself and she wants all of our time to be scheduled.  I'm having a hard time breaking her out of it and I'm constantly feeling like a crappy mom because at 7 pm I just want to RELAX. 

I need help. 

Frustration with a capital F

Well guys, I haven't really kept up with this blog and I want to.  I want to talk more about things I'm questioning and things I've accomplished....but I never do.  I used to blog EVERY DAY when I had my other website.  Facebook didn't exist and so my blog was my social network.  Now with how easy Facebook makes updating and letting the world in.....blogging just seems....outdated. 

But honestly....Facebook is limiting....it doesn't allow me to write for pages and pages about nothing at all.  This blog would allow me to do that.  Facebook is great for everyday things...but I'm going to start using this blog.  Really.  I am.  Don't give me that face!  I am!!

First off, my friend Roni talked today about how her daughter has known for two years about the birds and the bees and the changes in her body.  I was shocked.  Not because I think Roni jumped the gun...but because my kid is the same age and I haven't even MENTIONED this to Isabelle.  I don't even know where to begin?  My mom gave me a book, Almost Twelve, when I was 9.  I read it and knew just about what all my friends had already told me.  (Plus I had read Flowers in the Attic and watched Purple Rain...so I was pretty "educated" in that stuff....or so I thought.)  Now I have a daughter of my own and I'm feeling....ignorant.  I know that Roni did it with a book and I've heard others have to.  Not a "here...read this book and then let me know if you have questions" book...but a book where we'd read together and it would leave her room to ask questions without feeling embarrassed.  With girls maturing so much faster in today's world....I know it needs to be done.  I'm just increasing uncomfortable with it.  Why?  I'm one of the most blunt, obnoxious and over sharing person you can meet.  However....this subject frightens me.  What if she goes in and shares with her friends and they tell their moms?  What if MY daughter tells them what sex is?  UGH.  So any help here would be appreciated. 

My second question of the day is how to entertain my child for the entire week without having any money to do it.  Next week, I have Isabelle for vacation.  Normally, my ex would have her for this vacation and I would have her in April but he is taking her and his family to California in April and so I am stuck with February.  I'm not a big winter sport person so this sucks major ass.  SO....long story short....for the past 45 days, one or both of our cars have been in the shop for about 37 of those days.  Our list of repairs have gone from replacing a water pump to replacing a wheel bearing.  Major bucks.  And because of the last car incident....(as in, the fuel pump failing in the truck), we are plum out of money.  And this means that vacation is not only on a budget but already running in the red.  So give me some ideas.  PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me to go outside.  I don't want to and I won't.  Its too freakin' cold.  Whether this makes you turn your nose up or not...its the way it is....so I'm looking for cheap if not free ideas for making Izzy not hate me for ruining her vacation.  I'm already letting her have a friend over for a night and day so that will eat up some time and her dad has her on the bookend weekends.  And my neice is coming to stay I think for one night.  So I need like TWO activities.  So GO!

Learning as we go

It's 3:40 am and I've been up for an hour or so.  I haven't been able to sleep lately....but that's a whole other story.  Anyways.....with the new year and all that jazz that goes along with it...resolutions...goals....I've set a few for myself as a mom and for Izzy.

I want to continue having a close, healthy relationship with Isabelle without it being a co-dependent situation.  I find that she requests MoMo and Izzy time...even when I just spent 2 hours with her, making dinner, talking over dinner and then cleaning up.  Her way of showing me that she needs me is usually done with tantrums that include crying and throwing herself around.  She's 9...not 2.    I have a great friend who is a therapist and over the treadmill one morning, I confessed that I had no idea what I was doing as a mother and felt terribly guilty about it.  She assured me that wanting my own time did not make me a bad mother.  She said that LIFE still happens....and that our children need to realize its not always games and craft time...that they have to discover on their own...things that they want to do in their own space.  So in that conversation, my friend gave me some really good tips on how to deal with Isabelle when she's having one of those meltdowns.  My friend recognized that I, like most mothers, don't like to see their child upset....and so it is natural to want to comfort them.  She said that was fine but before the comfort, there is a need to confront them with their own deficiencies in coping.  Saying something like, "Isabelle, I understand you're upset right now...but this isnt the way to deal with it.  When you have calmed down, you can come out and speak with me about how you feel...however, it will probably not change the outcome..."  It worked before she went to her dad's this past time.  I'm hoping to keep doing it with her so she knows what to expect.

I am going to be a Pinterest Mom for one of the goals.  I am going to hang up technology clips.  The person who pinned it wrote this:  "Technology Tickets". Each Sunday give the kids 10 tickets. Each ticket = 30 minutes of t.v., game system, computer, etc. Tickets can be used consecutively, but when they are out they are out for the week. **Love this idea!!!** Loss of ticket for consequences - talking back, fighting, etc.  I am going to try and figure out the normal amount of  time that Izzy spends using technology and I might change the tickets around to meet her own needs without giving her too much screen time.  I expect backlash from this....but I'm hoping it gets her reading more.

Another goal is to be more involved in the parenting of her.  I mean, I live with her.....we love each other....but because we were a team for so long without anyone else, we developed this unspoken rule about supporting each other.  And as important as that is....I need to make sure that I am doing what is RIGHT for her...not just what makes her happy.  Because some things that just make her happy are unhealthy.  Whether its screen time, food or the way she treats her friends.  I'm going to have more conversations with her.  Instead of hanging out in her room, I might have her come out to the kitchen table and just talk over hot cocoa.  I might take her to a coffee shop in town and do the same thing.   I just need to make the time we have together...count for something...for both of us.

My eyes are starting to get heavy so I'll end this now.  I don't think many people read this....so I won't ask for comments....but if you happened to stumble across it...Hi!  Leave a message!

Perspective

Did you know, according to to a 2011 report by the National Alliance on Mental Illness, states slashed $1.6 billion from mental health programs between 2009 and 2011?  I didn't.  According to the CDC, 17 homicides of school-age youth ages 5 to 18 years occurred at school during the 2009-2010 school year.  That counted for only 2 PERCENT of all of the homicides of school-age use that year.  Did you know that?  I didn't.  I had no idea that fifty-seven percent of Americans now say gun control laws should be made more strict.  This was according to a poll done by CBS news, conducted Dec. 14 - 16.  I have listened to countless arguments between neighbors and co-workers.  I have read the repeated and somewhat annoying gun control and mental illness debates on FaceBook. 

None of that counts.

You know what counts?

The moment I saw Isabelle come out of the classroom on Friday, December 14th.  Safe.  Intact.  No traumatized or crying.  Alive.

I have not had a day so far since the shooting in Newtown, CT that I haven't wept for the deaths of those innocent children and the brave adults that tried to save and console them in their final moments on earth.  There hasn't been a night that I haven't stood in my daughter's doorway and thought about going in, waking her up and telling her how much I love her.  I haven't had a morning that I haven't spent a few minutes hoping that the parents of those kids wake up and their heart isn't breaking....but I can't imagine that hope is one that is even possible.  My heart is broken and I never met those children.  My heart is broken and I never got to work with those teachers/aides. 

My heart is broken for the nation.  I hope together, in time, we can all heal.

Blame in on the Book

I'm reading this book called, "Cleaning House:  A Mom's 12 Month Experiment to Rid Her House of Youth Entitlement."  In it, the mother admits to becoming a mother that she never thought she would.  One who would do more of her kid's homework in order for them to get a good grade on it, one who follows after them, picking up their mess as they go, one who does all the housework, one who does all of the chores around the house while her kids eat up screen time and ignore deadlines.  She talks about how she never thought she'd be one of those.  It was her oldest's comment about saying he was going to drive a Porsche when he was an adult that threw her over the edge.  She admits that for some time she felt like she was not only enabling her children to become part of GEN ME but also fostering it.  Her solution to this problem (And she does have like 5 kids) is to put in place this experiment where she teaches her children responsibility and community service, one month at a time. 

She has inspired me.  I am going to do the same.  The first month will be in January.  And the month's theme will be the same as the authors.  Izzy will make her bed every day.  Izzy will also have her floor picked up in her room with all "surfaces" being somewhat tidy.  We will put a jar in her room with 30 dollar bills (maybe some dollar coins as well) and everyday her room isn't picked up or her bed isn't made....I take a dollar from the jar. 

In FACT, I feel so strongly about making some changes around the house, I'm doing the same in my room.  Troy will have to be in charge of making our bed but I'll be in charge of keeping the floor clear.  And we also will have a jar in our room! 

I'll share more about the book as I read it.  Just wanted to share this and see if anyone else had ideas for other months in this process.  (just a sneak peak....here are some other months goals:  doing their own laundry, cleaning the bathroom (like for real), cooking and cleaning the kitchen after the meal is over, community service, etc.)

Please comment and let me know if you wanna join in...or if you have ideas!!!! I haven't introduced this to Izzy yet so I can still tweak it!!!

Pictures of failure. But at least her hair is combed!

GeoFailure

Today I had this great idea to bring Isabelle geocaching.  For those of you who have never done it or heard of it....there is a great app to get you started in the app store (for the IPhone).  It is this really cool activity where around your area there are "secret caches" of little prizes (you take a prize you leave a prize) and you have to use the GPS on your phone to find these.  Unfortunately, we tried 4 different ones and couldn't actually FIND one.  This of course sent my impatient little angel (note sarcasm here) into a hissyfit.  She was hot.  She was thirsty.  She hated that it wasn't easy.  Why couldn't I find one that was easy!??!  So, we went home, me throwing my own little hissy fit internally and her being somber and silent.

So...failure.

I'll know next time.  She's really not a wilderness girl and her level of patience with bugs and grass and all that has always been low.  I just thought this would be fun.  I'm not huge on trekking through the wilderness either but I would have enjoyed it.  I think.

Tomorrow she is having two friends over for a sleepover.  It's the first multiple person one she's had so we'll have to play it by ear.  I'm excited for her too.

I learned something new this afternoon.  My daughter has no concept of how to talk on the phone with her friends.  She called her first friend today.  FIRST TIME.  She's 9.  Have I stunted her?

Anyway....that's my update for today.